Damaged
by Bellatrix wannabe 89
Summary: Olivia has a flashback and almost kills Brian because of it. When he tries to talk to her, Olivia tells him she's convinced that he's staying with her out of pity, not because he truly cares for her. After all; how could someone that perfect ever love someone who's that damaged? Oneshot. Bensidy


I own no one but my own people

A/N My first new fic on my new computer and my first oneshot in a while. Spoiler (ish) for the new promo for episode 10. Go check it out on youtube, it will seriously like kill you. Anyway please enjoy. And review But mostly enjoy :-)

Olivia sighed as she arrived home, the groceries she had forced herself to buy in hand, wanting nothing more than to curl up in bed and forget this whole day didn't happen. No scratch that. Olivia wished more than anything that this whole thing that made today possible never happened.

She would give anything for Amanda to have never been in that park and brought William Lewis into her life to destroy the brunette beyond what words could describe. For four days he had tortured, burned, and cut her all the while drugging her with pills and cheap Vodka. He made her beg for her life and did things to her she had told no one, not even her boyfriend, about, even if Brian was really one of the few things making it worth getting out of bed in the morning.

Brian had been there the moment she arrived at the hospital, and for the first time since she knew him, he was in tears. She tried to tell him that she was okay but couldn't because the moment she saw him she started crying as well and wanted nothing more than to be with him. They embraced tightly, Olivia ignoring the near blinding pain from the wounds on her chest, Brian swearing up and down that he would never let her go again.

And he hadn't.

Ever since the attack he d been right there when she needed him and giving her space when she just wanted to pretend she was the only person left on the planet. He was there when she needed someone to scream at and was there to pick up the pieces afterwards and let her cry in his shoulder.

Brian was the one who suggested they moved in together. He saw the smidge of fear every time he left to go to work or out to get groceries and she would be alone. Of course he was happy with her just moving her things into his apartment but Olivia decided if they were going to take the next step, they were gonna make it right. She didn't want a cramped bachelor pad apartment where she barely had room to breathe and the furniture was made up of things that Brian had found on the side of the sidewalk that he deemed was okay by the smell of the cushions.

So they had gone house hunting and found the perfect little apartment on the West End. A little smaller than her old apartment but perfect for the couple. Now they lived together and while their money was stretched a bit tighter then before, Olivia loved coming home to someone at night, and loved that she now got to see his face each day she woke up. Yes she would be the first to admit that the reason she had taken his offer to move in was because she was afraid to be alone but now... she couldn't imagine being without him.

Today was no different. She needed him more than anything now. After her nightmare that woke her up screaming and clutching Brian's arm so tight she had left marks, she had gone to trial prep with Barba who told her in no uncertain terms that he could tell she was lying in regards to the beating she had given Lewis with the bed post, and unless she studied her earlier statements the Jury would know she had been lying as well, and then learning that Lewis was defending himself meaning she would have to look at him and talk to him.

Then to top it off, the judge had been a former defense attorney meaning he tended to be easier on the defense. So that meant that Lewis could get away with a lot more than if he had a judge who was more on the victims side.

Olivia could barely stand it. Today had been horrible and she knew it would only get worse as the week went on. She had been jittery the whole day, jumping whenever someone said her name and heaven forbid someone accidentally grazed her when she was walking beside them.

She really did just want this whole nightmare over once and for all. So it was with a loaded mind and heavy heart that she walked to her apartment. She put the key in the lock and walked in, shutting and locking the door behind her. As Olivia turned to walk towards the kitchen to grab something to eat, she froze.

Her heart began pounding hard against her chest and she swallowed hard. Brian wasn't home yet. He called and told her that Tucker had him working late to catch up on paperwork and he wouldn't be home until nine, at least another two hours.

So why was there an unopened bottle of vodka along with two lit candles, something Lewis had used to burn her with, sitting on the dining room table?

Her whole body shook as she walked towards the table, every nerve she possessed on fire, her bottom lip trembling as she moved closer. Every single nightmare she had came rushing back in full force. She could smell her own burnt flesh, feel his hands on her as he assaulted her. She could hear him telling her that he would continue this torture until she uttered the three words he wanted to hear. The three words that would stop this torture but bring on something far worse.

_I'll do anything._

"No..." she whimpered as a more real sound broke through her nightmares; footsteps behind her. Her hand shook as she reached for her gun, her eyes wide with fear. The footsteps stopped right behind her and out of the corner of her eye she saw hands belonging to a man raise.

Thinking only of what had happened because she had been naïve enough not to pull her weapon the first time, she let out a scream and grabbed her weapon with one hand, elbowing the intruder with the other.

He let out a cry of pain and stumbled back and Olivia spun around and raised her weapon, preparing to shoot the man she was sure had come within an inch of raping her, seeing only his smug sadistic face smirking down at her.

She could hear a vaguely familiar voice shouting at her but all she could see was Lewis tormenting her and abusing her and laughing at her as she screamed for help that would never arrive and she wanted him dead.

"Liv, put the gun down!" the voice shouted, this time slightly more clearer but she didn't care. She just wanted Lewis to stop laughing at her. Her finger tightened on the trigger.

"Olivia, it's Brian! Baby, please!"

That voice, that name; it cut through the hellish images like a blade.

Slowly her world came back into focus and she saw not William Lewis and his sly smile but her boyfriend, Brian Cassidy, with his arms raised and his eyes wide. She dropped the gun to the floor with a clatter as soon as she saw him, collapsing into the table with a muffled sob as she threw her hand over her mouth.

"I'm sorry..." Olivia whispered as she looked up at him with teary eyes that were begging him to forgive and understand why she had just held a gun on him, her whole body shaking. "Brian, I'm so sorry..."

"It's okay," he told her softly trying to get his own heartbeat under control. He took a hesitant step towards her "Come back down, baby, it's okay..." he whispered as he took another step closer.

Olivia shook her head as she let out another sob, sinking to the floor, muttering "I'm sorry," over and over, not realizing Brian had already accepted before she even said it. Brian kneeled down beside her and placed his hand as gentle on her shoulder as he possibly could. "Olivia, it's okay," he whispered to her as sweet and as gentle as his nature would let him. "You're gonna be fine..."

Olivia shook her head, pushing his hand off her before she stood up and hurried out of the apartment. She ran. She ran as hard and s fast as her feet wold let her down the long hallway, wanting nothing more than to get out of that apartment and away from the man she was so close to killing, her tears blinding her as she sprinted even harder.

Brian didn't deserve her. He didn't deserve her at all. He was so perfect and understanding and she had not only clawed up his arm this morning but almost shot him because she was damaged beyond repair; a broken shell of who she really was.

He stayed with her only out of pity. It had to have been. Why else would he want someone so ruined when he could have anyone else in the world? He knew how much she needed someone right now so he stayed for that; not because he loved her anymore and who could blame him? She barely loved herself...

She turned to go down the stairs but emotional sprinting and steps don't mix. She tripped on the first step and was sent tumbling down several steps before she grabbed onto the railing and held on for dear life.

Olivia took several trembling breaths as her mind cleared. Slowly she lowered her feet onto the steps below her and sat down on the cold metal stairs, ignoring the pain in her body that accompanied falling down metal stairs.

She sat there for several moments as tears fell slowly down her face, her lip trembling as she raised her hands in an attempt to wipe them from her eyes, her mind replaying what had just happened over and over. She had almost killed Brian. The man she loved more than anything almost died because she couldn't distinguish between reality and fantasy any longer because of what happened to her.

She loved him. God and heaven above, she loved that man, and every day she hated herself for everything she did to him. They had sex one time since they found her, and each time was quick, missionary, and more to prove to herself she could still do it than to bring pleasure to either one during it, but it had brought on one of her strongest nightmares to date and heavy flashbacks the rest of the day.

Before Lewis Olivia knew damn well how to keep her man happy in the bedroom and Brian always left her gasping for air and almost convulsing after he was done. Now she could barely stand to be touched and Brian was left with magazines and hand lotion.

Olivia wished everyday Brian would just stop worrying about taking care of her and move on. He wanted to help people, that's the whole reason why he had become a cop, but at the same time Olivia wished he would just worry about himself and not about her. He didn't deserve to be saddled with someone who couldn't even make him happy anymore. He was too good a person for that.

Olivia heard footsteps coming down the stairs and she thought nothing of it until the stopped beside her and the owner stopped and sat down beside her. Without even looking she knew it wasn't some random concerned citizen in her building but rather the person who she had almost killed.

"You okay?" asked Brian as gently as he could, keeping his arms firmly in his pockets to show her that he wasn't going to touch her.

Olivia sniffed and shook her head, turning towards him with tears in her brown eyes. "I'm sorry," she repeated in a soft whisper.

"Liv, it's not your fault," he said softly. "It happens."

"Pulling a gun on the man you love and shooting him doesn't just happen," she muttered. "It's being insane that does it. Being insane over something I did mind you..."

"Don't call yourself that. Ever," he told her in a harsher voice then he wanted. "None of this is your fault and you're damn sure not crazy because of it."

"I just pulled a gun on you, Brian."

"Because something set you off. D... do you mind telling me what it was?"

Olivia sighed and nodded. "The candles and the Vodka. He... he lit my candles and... and used them to... to hurt me. And the vodka he poured on me nd... and made me drink whole bottle worth."

Brian's face fell and he ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, Liv! I... I didn't know!"

"You're right. It wasn't your fault, I should have told you. I just..." She sighed and leaned back against the staircase. "I wish I had pulled my gun that night. I wish I shot him dead the moment I saw him. None of this would have happened."

"I don't blame you. I want the bastard dead myself A bullet right though his skull... huge improvement on his looks, guarantee it."

Despite everything that had happened Olivia managed a small teary smile, wiping her eyes as she looked over at him, that cocky grin so unlike Lewis' smirk shining just at the mere sound of her laughter. At the sight her face fell as she searched over his face, unable to understand him.

"Why?" she asked aloud, shaking her head at the thought of them two together

"Why what, Baby?"

Olivia took a deep breath, her voice shaking like her hands. "Why... why are staying with someone like me?"

Brian's face fell as he searched over er face, trying to find a hint of something pertaining to a joke. When he decided she wasn't fooling around he narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Liv, are you... you're serious?"

"I'm damaged, Brian."

"No you're not. Okay you're... you're perfect."

Olivia shook her head, turning her attention back towards the stairs again. "I'm as far from perfect as you can get. And you... you deserve perfect. You deserve someone who isn't gonna pull a gun on you and who lets you have sex and-."

"You're right," he interrupted with nod of his head. "I do deserve perfection."

Olivia's lip trembled as a heavy stream of tears made their way down her face. She knew it was true but to hear him sey it hurt far more than she could have imagined. But then he placed a finger under her chin and turned her towards him, she saw such love and tenderness in his eyes it almost scared her.

"I deserve perfection," he repeated softly, "meaning I deserve YOU, Olivia. Because you're perfection on every single level."

"Brian-."

"I didn't sleep," he interrupted again. "The moment I found out you were gone I didn't sleep a wink. I wanted so bad to see you again and tell you how sorry I was for letting this monster take you... Every moment you were gone felt like a lifetime and all I wanted to do was scream your name so that you would be able to hear me and you would know how much I love you."

Olivia's face fell as she saw a glimmer of a tear in his eye before he wiped it away. "I love you. More than anything, Olivia. I don't care how long it takes for you to go back to normal or if you never do. Look, I'm not a smart guy, Liv. Hell I didn't even go to college. But I'm smart enough to know if you love something you fight like hell for it so that's what I'm doing, and if you really think you pulling a gun when you didn't even know it was me standing there after what happened to you is gonna scare me away from the battlefield then you don't know me, Liv."

Olivia felt tears in her eyes that Brian swept away with his fingers. "You don't have to do this," she whispered softly.

"I want too."

"No. I mean you... you don't have to pity me and take care of me because you think you have to. I don't want you trapped, Brian."

He pulled away from her almost immediately, his eyes wide from the shock of her words. "You... you think I'm taking care of you because I pity you?"

"I know you do. You want to take care of people."

"And the entire year we were dating before? Was that pity?"

"No but you staying afterwards was. I mean we don't even have sex anymore, Brian, why would you want this if it was anything but feeling sorry for me.."

Bran felt his hands ball into fists at her words. He knew he shouldn't have been angry over what she said but the fact she thought so little of him that he would stay with her and move in with her just because he pitied her... It pissed him off.

"I don't pity you," he spat like the word itself was poison. "I feel horrible about what happened and I wish I had gone through it instead of you but that's not the reason I've stayed with you. I love you, Olivia. That's why I'm here with you right now, not some do gooder complex you seem to think I have. I want to help you because of love. Not pity. And so what about the sex. I don't care if I never get laid again, that's the furthest thing away from my mind right now. If you heal enough to go back to a normal sex life, fine, if not, that's fine too. I just wanna be with you because I love you, Olivia. Nothing else. Not pity, not sex... just you."

Olivia's eyes were now flooded with tears she couldn't control not hope to stop as a sop ripped passed her lips. Brian wrapped his arms around her and she threw her arms around him, crying into his shoulder and clutching onto him like it was him, not gravity, that was holding her onto this earth.

"I'm sorry!" she cried, this time not for pulling her weapon on him but for even thinking that he stayed out pity, not the love that was so obvious. Because even with her brain telling her it was pity that kept him here, her heart told her that he was telling the truth.

And he was. They anchored each other to their existences and they both knew it. They loved one another more than they had ever loved another person. They wanted to be together for the simple face that one couldn't exist without the others love.

And as Olivia stayed wrapped in his warm embrace and inhaling a scent she could only describe as 'Brian', she knew how true his words were. He did love her. Despite all of her flaws and issues that William Lewis had forced on her, he loved her. And she loved him.

And neither ever wanted to be apart from one another ever again.

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